Recycling

I found a journal entry that I wrote almost exactly two years ago. Two. Years. Ago. I read through it and it felt as though I could write it now. Sometimes it's frustrating when I think I'm in the same spot in life that I was years ago. But at the same time, I'm grateful I feel hope. Grateful I am loved by Him. Grateful I can be encouraged by something I wrote two years ago.

"...I am loved and approved. I am beautiful. I have a purpose.

Oh, what it would feel like to believe with my entire being. To be so sure of who God has made me to be. To fearlessly live in that truth and boldly love. Why then would I choose to believe anything different? What causes me to settle for anything less? What do I really have to be afraid of?

Nine months ago I could have never imagined that I am thinking, processing, learning, struggling, the way I am today. Nine months ago was far from just an experience. It was more like God put jumper cables on my heart and shocked me back to life; where since then I have been learning how to breathe, walk, love, and be loved again. In the past nine months I have had glimpses of freedom in my life that I never knew existed before. I have also seen some of the deepest, darkest, parts of my soul.

As far back as I can remember, I have always thought, "Is this it?" towards life. Only recently have I been hearing from God, in the midst of my messy life, "No, I have more." I remember the first time I realized there was actually hope in my heart. How relieving! Holy crap, how terrifying! How uncomfortable; would God really think that much of me to actually have a purpose for my life? To care how I feel, or how I am unable to feel? And he didn't just stop there, he has been teaching me how to feel. In ways I have never felt emotion before. I don't know exactly how to explain this yet, but it is definitely there.

So why am I so afraid? What is keeping me from giving all I have to just bask in the freedom I have already been given? How do I get past these fears that paralyze me and make me believe I will never change? What is it that's so threatening?

Approval (addict). I don't believe God is sufficient to meet my needs, therefore, I starve for all the approval I can get. Which leads me to being trapped; which leads me to fear. How much of my life is driven by fear? I've been shocked as I have been realizing that my whole life seems to be driven by fear. Afraid people won't like me if they really knew who I was. Afraid what would happen to my body if I stopped micromanaging everything I put into it. Afraid if I try to change people will think I am a fake. Afraid what my family thinks of me. Afraid how people view/judge my parenting, or lack thereof. Afraid to speak my mind because what if someone tells me that I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Through much fear and hesitation, I have decided it is time to start making my way through this forest of lies I have lived in for too long. There are definitely times I feel like quitting, or like I am wasting my time and energy. But it's in those moments of freedom that I know there is more."